


Words We've Said And Can't Take Back

by centreoftheselights



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Admitting There's A Problem, Anxiety, Apologies, Arguing, Bed Sharing Mention, Bringing up the past, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Doubt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feeling Unloved, Feeling unworthy, Forgiveness, Holding Hands, Honesty, Hopeful Ending, Insecurity, Kissing, Love, M/M, Past Cheating Mention, Past Toxic Relationship Mention, Polyamory, Reaffirming Love, Recovery, Relationship Doubt, Relationship Negotiation, Swearing, lying, taking care of each other, writing letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-29 11:16:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19018807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/centreoftheselights/pseuds/centreoftheselights
Summary: In the heat of an argument, we say things we don't mean.And everyone around us is left to pick up the pieces.





	Words We've Said And Can't Take Back

Of the six of them, more than one liked to bicker. Remy was always quick with a comeback, Virgil had a sharp tongue, Roman was full of bluster – and of course, Deceit could pick an argument with even Patton, if he sat still long enough, so it was no surprise that he was one of the two parties involved in this case.

But few of them would have predicted that it would be _Logan_ who said the thing he couldn't take back:

“How do we know that you even care about us? It's not like you haven't lied before!”

Deceit stormed out. And the rest… well.

What do you do, when two people you love, suddenly hate each other?

 

Remy is there when the argument happens. He's mostly ignoring the bickering, but when he hears those words, his blood runs cold.

Deceit has worked _so hard_ about trying to be honest with them all. About trying to move past the compulsive lying. And for Logan to throw that back in his face?

He tosses Deceit his keys, kisses his cheek and promises to see him at his apartment later. He waits until he hears the door slam before he goes back, goes to give Logan a piece of his mind.

Virgil is also in the house, trying to hide from the argument with his noise-cancelling headphones on. He thinks the air has cleared when he takes them off and hears nothing. It's only when he reaches the living room and hears Remy's low, dangerous ranting – the soft, threatening voice that he only uses when someone has _really_ crossed a line – that his stomach sinks.

“What… what happened?”

Logan is sat on the sofa, biting his lip, staring grimly forward like he's about to be shot.

“Logan,” Remy spits – and if it's full names, from Remy? Something is very wrong – “told Deceit that he didn't trust whether he really loves us. You know, because he's a _liar_.”

Remy's voice is dripping scorn, but Virgil –

Virgil was the first of them to get to know Deceit, to date him. It ended badly. They've reconciled since, of course, and Virgil has forgiven him, but… that doesn't mean he's forgotten.

When Virgil hesitates, Remy scowls at him too.

“I might have known you'd take his side,” he snaps, before storming out of the room.

And Virgil and Logan are left alone.

 

Roman is out when he gets a text from Deceit, asking him to meet him at Remy's place. If it were any of his other boyfriends, Roman might consider ignoring it – but Deceit never asks for _anything_ , not if he can help it.

He's waiting outside when Deceit arrives.

“What happened?”

“It's fine,” Deceit says, his voice tight, coiled like a snake. “It's going to be fine.”

“Sweetheart…”

When Roman puts a hand on his shoulder, Deceit shudders from head to toe, and suddenly, he's crying.

Roman isn't sure he's ever seen Deceit cry before. He takes Remy's keys, ushers him inside, away from prying eyes.

“Logan… we had a fight…”

“Shh, shh, darling, I don't need to know.” Roman cradles Deceit close. “Just let it out, okay?”

And Deceit does so. Roman can barely make out the words he sobs against Roman's T-shirt… but he hears enough to be worried, _so_ worried, about why Deceit is saying, again and again: “I _do_ care about you, I love you, please believe me…”

Remy storms in an hour later, looking like an avenging angel in his leather motorcycle jacket, his face only softening when he sees Dee curled up asleep in Roman's arms.

“Thanks for taking care of him,” Remy says softly, brushing a hand through Roman's hair. He's still so protective of Deceit, even though they only started dating six months before joining the rest of the group.

Remy explains what happened in a low murmur, and Roman's heart breaks all over again for the brave, broken man curled up on his chest. Roman can't understand how Logan could be callous enough to stay something like that.

“Can I stay with you two tonight?” he asks Remy.

“Anytime, babes, you know that.” Remy presses a kiss to his forehead. “I'll order takeout, 'kay?”

 

Patton is the last to know. He comes home at dinnertime, and is surprised to find the house almost empty. Virgil and Logan are sat on the sofa, beside each other but not touching, both of them looking stricken.

Patton was the last of the group to fall for Deceit. He didn't trust the man who'd hurt Virgil, who seemed to lie so easily and without remorse. It was only when Deceit proved that he'd changed, that he genuinely cared about all of them, that Patton finally accepted him into his heart.

But, when Logan repeats what he said…

“Lo-Lo.” Patton frowns. “How could you say that? That was _wrong_.”

Logan stiffens.

“It was an accurate reflection of my feelings at the moment I said it.”

“That's not what I meant and you know it! You can't use Dee's past against him like that. He's been vulnerable with us, and you… you lashed out where you knew would hurt him the most.”

“I…”

“Did you mean it?” Patton presses. “Do you really, honestly think that all this has been a lie?”

“… no.”

Logan's voice is small, defeated.

But Virgil hums in disagreement.

“Virgil?” Patton sounds shocked. “I thought – you always said –”

“No, no, I –” Virgil scowls. “Look, I'm not proud of it, okay? I _want_ to believe he's not the same person any more! But… he used me, and he cheated on me, and… how do we know, for sure, that he'll never do that again?”

“Do you have any reason to think he will?”

“No, but that didn't stop him last time.” Virgil runs a hand through his hair. “Maybe this is for the best. Maybe – maybe –”

He sags, as though the air has been let out of him.

“Fuck.”

“Breathe.” Logan takes Virgil's hand, rubbing small circles with his thumb. “What's your hot thought?”

“I miss them already,” Virgil says, sounding pained. “That's – it's too much, too risky, it'll only hurt more if I trust him now and then –”

“Predicting the future,” Logan names the cognitive distortion. “You're trying to push them away because you fear future pain that may never come. And you're ignoring all the future happiness that could result as well.”

“But…” Virgil hunches in on himself. “We fucked it up. We've lost them.”

“We haven't lost them yet,” Logan says, firmly.

“You can't love someone without trust,” Patton says softly. “And trust is scary but… you gotta have faith, kiddo.”

“And you also can't have trust without forgiveness,” Logan adds. “Something which… I will need to ask Deceit for. And Remy too.”

Patton gets a text right then. He checks his phone and grimaces.

“What?” Logan asks, his voice already sorrowful.

“Roman is sleeping at Remy's tonight too,” Patton admits.

Virgil starts breathing faster again.

“No – I can't – not Ro too –”

It's going to be a long night.

 

Roman nudges Dee awake when the Chinese food arrives. He tries to act dignified, but it's clear he's still exhausted. He doesn't complain when Remy joins them on the sofa, leaving Dee squished between him and Roman, physical contact as a silent offer of support.

Then, halfway through the meal, Dee goes quiet. He stops eating. And, after a minute, he asks:

“Did I do something wrong?”

“How do you mean, hon?” Remy asks immediately, through a mouthful of noodles.

“The last few days, weeks even, was there… did I do something without noticing?”

“Oh, darling, no. This isn't –”

But to Roman's surprise, his words make Dee recoil.

“Oh.” Deceit says softly. “So that means… he never really trusted me in the first place.”

Almost immediately, Deceit swallows, straightening his back.

“It's fine,” he says quickly. “I don't care. I don't need –”

But even Dee can't complete a lie that big.

He shivers, drawing his knees up to hug them against his chest. Remy is rubbing circles against his back, while Roman's hand is on his shoulder.

“I'm never going to be a better person,” Dee whispers into his own knees. “I'm never going to be forgiven for my past. I'm never going to be loved.”

“You can lie to yourself as much as you want to, babe,” Remy murmurs. “And when you're done, we'll still be here.”

“You – I – I don't deserve –”

“Love.” Roman presses a kiss to Dee's hair. “I love you. I trust you. I believe in you. That isn't going to change.”

“And if the others –” Dee chokes off, and when he speaks again, it's in the voice he uses for lies: “ _Obviously you love me enough to choose me_.”

“I…” Roman shifts uncomfortably at the thought of having to choose. “I love you all enough to not want to choose. But if it came to it… Dee, honestly, I _don't know_ what I'd pick.”

“And Patton? Virgil?” Deceit asks. Behind him, unseen, Remy's eyes darken – he hasn't told Deceit or Roman about what happened between him and Virgil – “Logan is obviously a lost cause.”

“Hey hey hey! Hold up babes!” Remy scolds. “We have enough drama queens in this apartment tonight without you joining in. Logan said some dumb shit he didn't mean, and if he has a lick of sense he is going to be grovelling for your forgiveness tomorrow –”

“Do you really think he didn't mean it?” Deceit spits. “Go on, Remy. Lie to me.”

There's a long, awkward silence.

Dee curls in on themselves, even tighter.

“Hey,” Remy says softly. “Hey, babes, none of that. C'mere.”

Gently, he pulls Dee out of his curled-up position, and drags Dee's legs over his lap. Roman snuggles up to Dee's back, until he's sprawled across both of them.

“You can talk this out with Logan tomorrow,” Roman says. “It'll all work out somehow, I promise.”

“But tonight, you need to relax, get out of your head, 'kay love?” Remy takes both of Dee's hands, rubbing circles on them. “Ice cream and cuddles and knowing you're loved.”

Dee winces a little at that, so Roman repeats it.

“You are loved. And we know you love us.”

“… I do,” Dee admits.

“There.” Remy chuckles. “That wasn't so hard now, was it babes?”

 

(Before they go to bed that night, Roman gets a text from Patton.

“Logan wants to apologise, but he's giving Dee space for now. V got pretty anxious about the fight, so I'm staying with him.”

Then another:

“Take care of our boys.”

Tomorrow, he'll pass on the message about Logan apologising. Tonight, Dee needs to not think about the situation for a little while.

Roman isn't planning on mentioning Virgil's anxiety. Deceit doesn't need anything else to blame himself for right now.)

 

The next day, Virgil arrives at the flat, carrying a letter from Logan.

“And, that's my cue to go for a Starbucks run!” Remy announces. “You two kids have fun!”

“I… want to talk to you too,” Virgil says. “It can be before you read it, or after, whatever. I don't know what he put, so…”

Virgil shrugs, awkwardly.

Deceit stares down at the letter in his hands like it's about to bite him. Virgil takes a hint, and retreats, leaving him to read in privacy.

_Dear Deceit,_

So formal – Dee's heart sinks – but then, Logan is always formal, right?

_I deeply regret the way I spoke to you yesterday. I have identified the following mistakes with my behaviour:_

• _I allowed my heightened emotional state to overwhelm my sense of reason._

• _I abused your trust in me by attacking you in what I knew to be a “sore spot”._

• _The implications of my speech were a clear falsehood, i.e. I know that you care a great deal about me and all our other partners._

_I would like to offer a sincere apology for all of these actions. I am happy to repeat this apology in person, but I did not wish to force my presence upon you while you were still angry or grieving. I understand that I have hurt you deeply, but I hope that you will allow me to earn back your trust._

_Yours ~~hopefully~~ sincerely,_

_Logan_

The sight of that word, crossed out but still legible in Logan's neat, precise handwriting, makes Dee's breath catch in his throat.

Hopefully. There's something vulnerable, almost desperate about that word. Something so un-Logan. Perhaps that's why he scribbled it out.

Or perhaps he felt like he hadn't earned it. Deceit… knows what that's like. To not feel worthy of hope.

He walks through to join Virgil in the kitchen.

“What's the verdict?” Virgil asks, gently.

“It's a good start,” Dee comments. “He… we need to talk in person. I need to ask him why he said it.”

“That's fair.” Virgil bites his lip.

“So…” Deceit smiles, even though his heart is sinking a little at the anxious look on Virgil's face. “What was it you wanted to talk about?”

“I…” Virgil toys with his hoodie strings. “I don't know if Remy told you what happened yesterday.”

“He didn't,” Deceit says, his smile feeling a little more forced.

“It wasn't – it's nothing major,” Virgil says quickly. “But… I took Logan's side, for a minute. And I wanted to apologise for that.”

Deceit's smile fades away entirely.

“Virgil,” he says slowly. “You have every reason to doubt my intentions towards you. Of course you're forgiven.”

“Bull. _Shit_!” Virgil snaps back. Deceit blinks in surprise, as he continues: “Listen, there is _one_ reason I doubted you anyway for as much as a minute, and that's because my brain chemistry is screwed eight ways to Sunday. I don't know why I'm like this, but it doesn't have a damn thing to do with you.”

“Really?” Deceit asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah! Really!” Virgil is in full-on rant mode now, waving his arms wildly as he speaks. “Okay, so eight years ago you cheated on me. Big fucking deal! Both of us were toxic messes back then, and both of us built ourselves into something better. You have spent the last _two years_ proving to me again and again that you've changed, and it should take more than a moment's doubt to erase that. _You_ deserve better than that! But I –”

Virgil's voice softens.

“But when you and Remy walked out, I was so fucking scared, Dee. Do you have any idea how much the thought of being without you terrifies me?”

“I might,” Dee answers, quietly.

“So I started trying to make you the bad guy again, to tell myself that you were never that great, because I thought then it wouldn't hurt so much to lose you. But even in my head, none of it sounded real. You're… you're actually a pretty great guy, you know? And I love you, so fucking much.”

Deceit stares at him for a few minutes.

“Shut your mouth, dork,” Virgil teases, but his voice is ragged with emotion. “Come on, I know I don't say it enough, but… I love you. All the way.”

“Virgil, I…”

“Just as much as I love Pat or Ro or Lo or Remy,” Virgil adds. “In case you were wondering.”

“I love you.” Deceit says. “I'm so –”

Virgil is on his feet.

“If you say sorry, I'm going to kick your ass,” he murmurs.

The two of them collide in a hug, holding tight enough to bruise, tight enough that it feels like drowning in each other. Deceit knows he can never fix the past, but… this feels like the next best thing.

And then they're kissing, soft and desperate, hands cupping each other's faces, whispering “I love you”s back and forth between them.

“Ew, emotions,” Remy says as he walks in the room.

“Get over here,” Deceit says, motioning to him with one arm.

“My macchiato –!”

“Get over here, asshole,” Virgil repeats. “We love you.”

“Ugh, fine.”

Remy joins the hug, pressing his forehead against Dee's.

“Why are we making out in the kitchen?” he asks.

Virgil presses a kiss against his neck, and whispers: “I never want to be without you.”

“Bitch, who said I'm going anywhere? You can't get rid of me that easily.”

“Babe,” Deceit shoots back at him. “Shut up and make out with us.”

 

They head back to the house together. Deceit goes to knock on Logan's door, while Virgil heads to Patton's room.

He isn't particularly surprised to find Roman with his head on Patton's lap, Patton stroking his hair.

Roman sits up when Virgil enters. He's smiling, but his eyes are haunted in a way Virgil knows all too well. Patton just shrugs, not bothering to hide his misery.

“I think it's going to be okay,” Virgil says slowly, and both of them relax.

He sits on the bed between them, resting his head on Roman's shoulder.

“Dee needs some reassurance right now.”

“We know,” Roman answers. “Last night he was… it was a mess.”

“But he's forgiving Lo?” Patton prompts.

“He's considering it.” Virgil sighs. “He wants to know what Logan was thinking which… I wouldn't mind knowing, myself. But I told him what I did, and I told him that I loved him, and I think – I think he actually believed me.” Virgil tries not to sound upset that he thinks it might be the first time that's happened. “You'd have been proud of me Princey, I did a big dramatic speech and everything.”

“I'm proud of you,” Patton says, nuzzling under Virgil's arm.

“I'm always proud of you, mi noche.”

Virgil slings his other arm around Roman, holding his loves close to his chest.

All they can do now is wait.

 

Deceit knocks on Logan's door.

Logan walks to the door to answer it, greeting him with a slight nod. He doesn't look surprised. Dee could swear that for a second, he looks hopeful.

Then those blue eyes turn cold and blank once again.

“You received my letter?” Logan asks. Dee nods. “I will apologise again, if you'll permit. I am sorry for what I said, Deceit, and for everything it indicated about my attitude towards you. I will endeavour to work on my issues privately and I do not intend to ever again –”

“I –”

The moment Deceit speaks, Logan falls silent.

“I want to know why you said it,” Deceit says. “I _need_ to know.”

Logan actually takes a step back, breathing in sharply. Deceit lets him take a moment.

“Can you come in, please?” Logan asks. “This… isn't going to be easy. But I'll try my best.”

Deceit comes in, and sits on Logan's bed – a single, he doesn't sleep in here unless he's coming back late from the observatory and doesn't want to wake the others. Logan stays standing, hovering in the middle of the room like he doesn't know what to do with himself.

He looks smaller than usual.

“You probably don't even remember. Certainly, it's much smaller a slight than my own actions… but when the argument started, when I was talking to Remy about scheduling, you interrupted me.”

Deceit inclines his head. He knows Logan doesn't like being interrupted.

“It isn't the first time that's happened,” he comments, dryly.

“No. In fact, I have been interrupted at least three times this week.” Logan sighs. “You know I have a temper. That's a terrible excuse to make, I know – and it is my own fault for not managing it better – but lately, I…”

“Stop talking around the issue,” Deceit says, a little colder than is necessary. “Spit it out, Logan.”

Logan takes a deep breath.

“I've been feeling… unnecessary. Not unloved, but… I seem to struggle to understand _why_ you should love me. I didn't… I _want_ you to care for me, but I don't know if I deserve it.”

Deceit stiffens.

“You've been feeling like this with everyone?”

“I know, I should tell them.” Logan rubs his temples. “But… it is worse, with you and Remy. The others are constantly demonstrative of their affection for me, no matter how insecure I feel. But I know you two aren't here for me – the others are so easy to love, I…”

Logan trails off as Deceit gets to his feet.

“If you were hard to love,” he says, firmly, “then what you said wouldn't have felt like you tore my heart out and stamped on it.”

“I want to –” Logan's voice shakes. “I _do_ believe you. And I'm so, so sorry I hurt you that way. I just don't understand why, when all of the rest of you are so wonderful, so kind and generous and expressive, anyone would choose…”

Deceit steps forward, and runs a hand down Logan's face. Logan shivers.

“I'm sorry,” Deceit says softly. “For not seeing you were hurting.”

“That wasn't your responsibility. You shouldn't be apologising.”

“I should have known. I love you.” Deceit presses their foreheads together, breathing with Logan for a moment.

“This isn't… we aren't fixed,” Deceit murmurs. “I can't be the one to help you with this. But I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying in this fight, okay?”

“I will make this up to you,” Logan whispers back. “No matter how long it takes.”

“I'll be waiting for it,” Deceit replies. He draws back, looking Logan in the eye. “Do you want me to come with you, when you tell the others?”

“… Please.”

“Okay.” Deceit takes Logan's hand. “Come on.”

“I –” Logan hesitates for a moment, then follows. “Yes. I suppose it's time.”

“ _Past_ time,” Deceit tells him. “But it'll do.”

They walk out of Logan's room together, hand in hand.

It's a long time before either of them lets go.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written on my Discord server. Come say hi! <https://discord.gg/SM7JVze>


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